This particular piece is going to be slightly different from yesterday’s, I’m not going to stop my mind so if I derail for 5 minutes I apologise but I want to try and show how my mind works, not just tell you.
Yesterday was day 2 of my mental health journey. I started the day under hospital supervision (not a repeat visit just was in there for midnight so technically Wednesday). I started the day with good intentions, got up early, shower, job interview, self treatment, I had a plan. But like always my plan didn’t stick, I got up early, had my shower and went to my job interview (I got the job but while I’m writing this I really just want to disappear so I can’t hurt the company or the people I will work with) but that’s it, no self treatment. Instead I spent all day telling myself I was doing better when I’m in fact stagnating and procrastinating as usual. I wanted to go shopping, I have money, time and everything and yet, I don’t deserve it. So like an adult I turned the lights off, got under my blanket and cried.
Look, they tell you one day at a time. But they don’t tell you that even if nothing happens each day it’s still as bad as the one before. Yeah my life could be worse, I’m not disputing that with anyone but that doesn’t mean I’m capable of having this life. A lot of people have fears of the ocean because people drown and that’s a rational fear yet people can’t be suicidal and depressed on the premise they may be going homeless, or losing their job, or losing their partner, friends, loved ones.
I won’t lie I do still believe I’m not capable of continuing, I have this deep rooted conviction that goes between the worlds greatest gift to human cancer and no in between. But despite my beliefs and the way I see myself and the world today I was reminded of a couple promises I made. I promised my ex that I would be here for another year, I mean a day later I was in hospital you know what happened. It hurts me that I broke that promise. With my mental health being the way it is I’ve never been great with emotions, I’m constantly overwhelmed by intense thoughts and feelings, and yet In this sea of emotion that I’m constantly drowning inside of there’s a little island at the centre, a place where the strongest emotions come to the surface and settle, when I think about it now I realise I was wrong there. The island isn’t for emotions, it’s for an emotion. Outside of my two major states I’ll be honest it’s hard to feel anything other than love, the people on that island, you know who you are and I’m thankful for you and for my promise I’ve reinvigorated it myself, repeating it to myself every time I see myself in a mirror. I’ve made a choice, not for me but for you, all of you, I’m going to fight. I’ll beat this one day at a time.
Honestly, the rest of the day I didn’t do a lot, I didn’t shower because I don’t deserve to but I did buy some new shower gel so that’s a plus. Been absolutely killing it on Call of Duty Mobile which I know I shouldn’t play but I can’t stop myself, there’s something about letting yourself get murdered repeatedly that really soothes my brain when I’m upset. The day wasn’t the best. It wasn’t the worst and it was very warm and uncomfortably sunny, but I made it. I woke up with a positive outlook and yeah I cried myself to sleep, I ate food I don’t like just to spite myself, and that’s that.