Day 4: One Day At A Time

They tell you give it time, try, focus, and it all sounds like such a good idea but the question is, how? How do I possibly give up on my beliefs, my values. How am I supposed to focus on my recovery with every thought still telling me to end it all? And how much more time is enough before I’m allowed to give up? I think it’s fair to say today wasn’t my day. 

I didn’t even do anything yesterday, seriously. I watched a new Netflix show about a deer/boy hybrid which made me question society. But it hooked me in, I was addicted and watched the entire series last night, quality. I had some food, decided I want to try being veggie again and thought I’d be ok. But like always it sneaks up on me, I don’t even have to be upset or nervous or in pain anything and everything sets me into this state and it’s too much to be honest. It’s exhausting trying to keep myself involved with literally anything when I’m like this, my entire body is telling me to run away now while my ex is away so I can’t hurt her by leaving and just fucking do it.

But I don’t know why. It happened yesterday before I went to bed I started feeling like this, honestly I’m baffled because I was just lighting a joint and I was overwhelmed with numbness. I couldn’t feel anything, no pain, no wind, no heat, no emotion, and that’s weird because that’s when I feel the most. I know how backwards that sounds but let me explain. I’ve always been bad with emotions, some of my problems with my ex are because I’ve unintentionally complained about one aspect of our relationship when in reality I mean something completely different and I’m being unfair and a toxic partner without realising it. I fully believed every time that she would just not listen to my point until I finally figured out what my problem actually was at the time, I’m not too proud to admit I wasn’t the best partner. My intentions and self sabotage and general like of being socially and romantically adept just all worked against me I guess. But anyway like I was saying, I don’t recognise what emotion entirely a lot of the time but when I reach this point of self loathing and then numbness I recognise that everything else is missing, and that’s what hurts. It makes me feel like I’m correct, humans have emotions, if I don’t I must not be therefore what I’m doing is correct. That’s how my mind works though so it sucks.

Honestly it was rough, the best thing for me at that point is always sleep, but sleep is impossible feeling like that. The physical pain I get from my mind is unbelievable and honestly a lot of the time I can’t take it. But that’s what I need to do right now, suffer through and power on right? I don’t know it’s what I keep getting told so I’m gonna try. Thankfully I managed to distract my mind with some music, although when I was going to sleep my paranoia had gotten that bad I had to sleep with the light on so I didn’t get murdered. All I’m saying is clearly it worked so step off. Hopefully today will end better, I’m going to get some exercise and food so might even have a good story for tomorrow’s for a change, here’s hoping. Anyway guys, take it easy, take it slow, take it one day at a time.

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