I’ve never been this invested in my own mental health before, it’s like every time I have a conversation with someone a new idea on how to self improve opens up. Is this growth? I’d like to say so, but I imagine a lot of people in my position have felt the same thing, it’s all going well until it’s not. And I don’t mean a big event, something life changing, it could literally be anything. As I’m talking more about myself to you reading this and the professionals in working with I’m realising, I’m triggered by the dumbest stuff.
Yeah I know my pain is real and it shows itself in it’s own way and that, but I nearly had to stop myself doing something really stupid because…. they didn’t have the film I wanted to watch on Netflix. Of course I understand, to a lot of you that doesn’t matter you’ll watch another film, but with paranoia and trust issues like mine sometimes something as small as that can feel like a major threat. It’s impossible to explain, but with not trusting people society money time myself or technology, and waking up with an awful headache. Somewhere in all that my brain decided to tell me it was my fault the film wasn’t there, if I deserved to live it would be there, they removed it because they knew I wanted to watch it, if I killed myself it would be there for other people. Which, and this sucks, is the usual for me. Then it was 3 hours of trying to convince myself to hide under my bed, while simultaneously convincing myself there was a murderer waiting under it for me because I deserve to die. And then I was scared? I realised I’m ready to die, but on my own terms. The idea of someone else killing me has weirdly turned into a bad one in my mind, this is new for me. But yeah, that’s how my Saturday started.
To be completely honest there’s not a lot to say about Saturday other than that, I’m working on a solo project right now and I can’t wait to share it but it’s not ready. If you want some good news , my ex got a promotion! Proud of her man, she’s decent at her job too to be fair. Other than that I threw myself into some music I haven’t listened to in a while, old school Kanye, some David Bowie, pretty much anything except Hollywood undead.