Today we reach sundays edition, Sunday in one of the most unpredictable and honestly kind of boring weeks I’ve ever had. I will talk about today’s events when I get to it but first, a quick recap on my journey so far.
6 days since I last tried to kill myself and in that time: 107 times I’ve been asked if I’m ok; 2 visits and 2 phone calls between me and mental health support; 3 times going through sexual assault and rape with a stranger; 1 break up; 3 break downs; a new job and now I’m in the top 10% of ranked players in Call of Duty Mobile. 6 days, that’s all that is. And that’s the biggest stuff, I haven’t even mentioned the hospital or the police van or the murdering of a teddy. So forgive me for being in some peoples opinion “a drama queen” but I need a break from everything and everyone and I don’t know if that’s at all possible.
So to cap off a rather busy week for myself I had Sunday, you’ve all met Sunday. The smug sibling who can’t put a foot wrong because it’s “gods day”, I just want to say for myself here and now, f*ck Sundays. Nothing good happens on a Sunday, there’s too many people, too much noise and it always feels like there’s less time with everything closing early. Sunday is a nightmare for me, plain and simple. But I decided to put my best foot forward and when I got asked to go primark for a friend, I thought I could do it. I walked all the way to town with no issues, I was even doing ok without music which is strange for me but my headphones are broken so what can I do eh? But then I got inside primark, and it was chaos. If you’ve never been to a primark lucky you, it’s everything I don’t like. The organisation makes no sense to me, not enough staff, too many queues, too many stray kids who don’t appear to have parents, just too much. I tried to stick it out and look for what I needed but I couldn’t. I literally went outside had a cig and a little cry to myself the second I got away for no one to see me. Honestly, it’s times like these that I can really tell I actually need help, because when I don’t feel this down I’m completely opposite. I love talking to strangers and making jokes and going public places, I mean I used to. Since I started this journey I’ve not really been able to keep the same facade in public that I used to have, gone are any lies of a confident man who doesn’t have any worries, now I’m being myself. The same gender queer uncertain mess I always have been only this time I’m not pretending, and it sucks that I’m not.
But yeah, sorry I’ve kinda ruined my momentum and put myself in a bad mood writing this. I suppose that’s one of the risks but I don’t think I can carry on sorry people. I’ll catch you up with the rest tomorrow.