Today’s issue officially marks one week since I last attempted suicide, and yet I don’t feel different. I’ve been told a lot this week that the hardest part of this entire journey was the first step, taking the initiative and trying to receive help. But I learned quickly that’s it’s better to say thank you than point out the fact you never wanted this help and you believe there’s people who actually deserve it and it’s a pointless and fruitless endeavour from the get go. They don’t like that.
Yesterday was weighing heavy on my shoulders, the same as any big transitions I’ve gone through in life. I’m a week on and what have I done? And the honest is, very little. But what is there for me to do you know? I’ve tried exercising daily, writing, reading, going for walks, having pets, drinking, sniffing, smoking and yet, nothing helps. So again, what do I do? Yeah I’ve got professionals willing to work with me and try improve my mind set but do you have any idea how easy it is for me to avoid these services when I’m bad and don’t want to talk? On Sunday morning I was scheduled for a 45 minute call with my case workers over at home base support and yet all I had to do was not pick up their call, and that was that. They asked me if I was ok over text and I said yes, no further contact between then and today. I was supposed to have the team come see me today, it’s part of the rules they have to come see you at least once a week but again, when they phoned to confirm the time I told them I had an interview and couldn’t make it. You know what the dumbest part is? I want the help if I’m honest, I want to be able to hold my head up high and be proud of the person I am, I want to feel normal. But I don’t think I ever will. So for now I’m just going to try go to these meetings but to be honest I’ll probably miss the next couple out of fear of being right.
But honestly, despite the awful mood, it was okay Tuesday. I didn’t really get up to much, which I would normally hate myself for but right now I think I need a rest, physically and mentally. I managed to eat three meals in a day for the first time in about 6 years (actively trying to eat properly) which makes me feel sick thinking about. My body issues are such a major reason for the way I interpret the world and peoples actions towards me. Forever thinking that people hate me because I’m disgusting, I’m overweight, so yeah. Between chronic vomiting for the better part of a year, a diet consisting of mostly cocaine and weed, and these issues causing me to starve myself, and eat chronically at times too. My body shape is forever changing, none of my clothes ever fit, which don’t get me wrong isn’t the biggest issue. But for me the only thing worse than feeling fat is when your wearing clothes from when you used to be slightly bigger and the mind exaggerates the situation and makes you feel like you were a lot bigger.
But hey ho, I’m trying to leave that in the past so I’ll shut up about it now. Let’s instead mention something I’ve not 100% done for a while. Making plans with actual commitment to show up and have a good time. I’ve made plans plenty of time recently of course, we all do, but not really wanted to do anything kinda makes it awkward when you do you know. The feeling of letting people down when you cancel last minute, it’s heart breaking man, but my mind won’t let me commit to it and let you see me in a vulnerable position because I don’t people seeing that side. Nobody does, but we all do have one.
It’s impossible to change the past, so I’m told. I personally think you can but that’s another ramble. So the best thing we can do is try change the future right? Humans are quite a skittish bunch, you like to forget the past until it’s relevant, look to the future instead of solving problems now, blaming everyone else for personal mistakes. I personally believe there is no point looking to the future, a million different things could happen at literally any time and destroy that plan, prep for now. If you can’t live in the moment you’re screwed, you need to be able to appreciate what’s happening around you, a memory isn’t the same as a feeling and neither is a dream so chase neither and embrace your emotions
Pretty wise words right? The key to happiness isn’t there, I don’t exactly have it do I? Wouldn’t be writing this if I did. People can tell you anything and sound like it makes sense, conviction is the art of disguise and misdirection in my opinion. But find your own way, your own happiness and if you can’t, take it one day at a time.