The biggest thing that always gets pushed on me throughout this journey is consistency. I’m constantly reminded how a routine and a plan can have a positive impact on your mental health and you know, it’s not bad this. So I want to share with you today my new found goals: short term, mid term and long term. I’ll try to give updates on where I stand and I don’t want to understate this so I will be perfectly honest with you all, these goals are all that’s keeping me going right now! I can’t afford to give up on them without a different goal in place of it.
Anyway let’s start with the short term goals. Showering every day for a week straight, and I know that’s grim don’t get me wrong. But, as I’m sure a lot of people know, sometimes it’s just impossible to have the motivation. But a shower always helps my mind, I like to associate my negative thoughts to the water running down my skin. Slowly and methodically thinking them through until they reach the bottom and separate from me, and that brings me a lot of peace. Trying and failing once Is still better than not trying at all. So yeah, if I manage to stick with my showers, my mindset could potentially sky rocket and help me become a happy person again, but there’s no guarantees and I’m not having too much faith as of yet. My other short term goal may come as a surprise to most of you, but everyone who knows me should know I’ve always loved creating music. So I’m putting together an EP. I’m personally handing the writing of each track as well as the performance and instrumental, I will need help with the rest though so I’m giving myself a month to make the lyrics and instrumentals. I’m gonna take it slow so I don’t get overwhelmed by my own deadlines.
Now there’s the mid term goal, only the one. I want to get healthier physically. I’ve always had a fluctuating weight never really settling on skinny or fat or whatever in peoples eyes. Except my own. I’ve always had body confidence issues, couldn’t tell you why though. At this moment in time I weigh 10 stone 4, which is lower than I’ve weighed in probably about 7 years. So why do I feel so fat, one theory suggests my own mental image of myself has drawn conclusions between my body and what society sees as undesirable and shows that to my eyes in an effort to try convince me I am disgusting and I should die. As you can tell I’ve had a lot of time to think lately, it’s been quite a week while I was away. So yeah, physically fit is the goal. Nothing major. I don’t want to be able to lift a car or anything because to be honest when would I ever need that ability? Seems like a waste of time to me but it’s bloody impressive and fair play to anyone who can. I just want to be able to play football without getting out of breath every 10 seconds.
Then we have the long term. Two goals I’ve set myself for the next 2 years to complete. Number one: be okay with being alive. Now I’m not saying I’m gonna be ok within two years, or ever but the goal is to try to be okay with being alive. Not to the point that I don’t have any issues and everything’s perfect but, I just want to be able to wake up and be excited for my plans that day instead of thinking of reasons to get out of them. At the end of the day I can get myself out of almost any situation I want to, quite a bald claim for someone who’s been sexually assaulted I know. But I’m a slippery bast*rd and I will say anything and everything to get my way. Not because I really don’t want to go out or anything but because I don’t go people will have a better time. Life is easier lived without worrying about me, I truly believe this and yeah they’ll always worry about me but it’s easier to get away with not eating for a while if I don’t have to be around people. If you’re wondering I do tend to starve myself, sometimes for just a day, sometimes closer to week and why? I don’t believe I’m human, and why would a non-human scum bag like me be able to eat human food? That makes sense In my head, but anyway back to the point. Just being content with not being dead, all I’m asking for. And the second long term goal, I want to go abroad. I know, classic white guy, I get it I do. But another fun fact of the day about me is I’ve never been abroad, and I’ve always wanted to travel. I know I know I’m sounding more and more basic but it’s true, Peru, Barcelona, Holland, Iceland (the country not the sodding shop before anyone wants to make that joke to themselves), and so much more. Oh man if I could I’d pack a bag and go right now but I’m skint and apparently there’s a bit of a flu going round at the minute.
It’s been nice sharing my goals with you honestly, put me in a good mood now so I’m not complaining. Thanks for reading and sharing this journey with me guys, take it slow, easy, one day at a time.