I want everyone who reads this to have an opportunity to understand how I arrived at this point. So I’m going to spend a little time telling you some of the things that led me here.
I come from a family with more mouths to feed than money, at least that’s the story I used to tell myself to make it more bearable. The truth in the reality is is that my parents have both had their struggles, for as long as I can remember there’s been a dependency on alcohol and drugs. As much as I understand the addiction, as a former cocaine and cannabis addict myself, it still sucks, having your mum lending money she can’t afford to pay back to get food for the night because there’s only enough for a bottle of whiskey and some mixer. But like I said I understand the addiction and thankfully these days their both doing a lot better, I hold no grudge against either of them and hope non of you will either.
Then there’s other aspects of the classic sad person childhood mixed in with a few unusual reasons. First and foremost is the bullying. Having to operate in a limited washing system growing up I’m still getting used to showering more than twice a week. But if you have no electricity, you have no electricity. And that’s cool, I can understand why people would find that funny and whatever, least they enjoyed their time. But you add that to the fact I’m smart but lazy and could play sports when I bothered, people didn’t really like me in school.
Weird pressure was forced on me in school, those of you with siblings older than yourself might know. If you go to the same school, teachers will not be able to treat you like any other student, you always have someone to be compared to. Every mistake blown out of proportion, every detention being reminded your siblings would never have done that. I had that, for three siblings. There was no situation in which I wasn’t compared to them and their intelligence, this was around the time I fully lost trust in people. So I started rebelling to prove a point of I’m nothing like my siblings, I got into fights, detentions, barely came into school and intentionally dropped grades just to finally get that assumption that I’m the same as those before me out of the way. But I’d let it slide for two long, my potential has always been evident to most people. But the pressure was too much, it always has been. As much as I would like to just be normal and fit in, every chance I did I was compared to someone else. I intentionally tanked my first year of A-level exams so this would stop. I walked into second year with 4 U’s and a smile, maybe this would be the year I could just be me. But no, immediately after we began registering to universities I’m being told I should apply for places such as Oxford, my teachers faith never came into question and as good as that is it sucks man.
Now I’m gonna get into something a lot more serious, the first time I was sexually assaulted. I’ve never shared it in a public forum and this is huge for me but I appreciate some people won’t want to read about this, that’s okay. No one has to feel pain to understand it. Skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to hear about it. So picture the scene: you’re a 10 year old, white boy from Yorkshire, you’ve got achievements in school, been invited to big events because of your intellectual prowess and your part of a handful of kids who meet with the head master once a week, not for any reason other than your future. See in primary they really did push me to be my best and at the time I thought I was gonna achieve it. I was even offered a chance to be the popular show ‘Are You Smarter Than a 10 Year Old’ which is strange because we only learnt about a third of things required by participants. I was on top of the world, genuinely this is probably the best I’ve ever felt. But then out of nowhere my life changed, like this is the focal point for all downward spiral in my life. You see I was even popular back then, I’ve got charm and jokes coming out of my arse so I was really blindsided by this. It is hard to remember the extreme specifics but I can remember the most part. I had gone to the bathroom. That’s when (and I’m not mentioning names because realistically this person probs doesn’t even remember this) a “friend” came into the bathroom and began acting aggressive. This was very out of nowhere and me and my anger issues were weren’t going to take this lying down, so I had a go back. In retrospect that’s a dumb move because it got me closer to him, he then punched me in the stomach hard enough for me to double over. He then proceeded to push me to my knees and force himself into my mouth and urinated. I just cried and waited for it to be over when he finished pi**ing, but I was wrong. All in all I was down there for about 15 minutes I think, could have been anytime it still feels like forever to remember it. Then luckily someone could be heard coming so he left me alone. I’m trying to finally let go of this pain and move forward with life.
Well, that’s put me in a bad mood but thank you for listening to my story. It’s hard to read, trust me, it’s hard to remember.