Why Am I Doing This – One Day At A Time

Right so here we are, 1am Tuesday the 22nd of June. Less than a month since I started this journey but possibly the longest time I’ve ever experienced. So I wonder, why am I doing this? What’s stopping me killing myself here and now? If you know please tell me because I’ve spent the night trying to find the answer to that and have gotten nowhere. 

I’ve bottled it, plain and simple. Tonight marks the 3rd time in about a week I’ve written a suicide note and left the house with intent, but it was a first for me as well. I’ll be completely honest, I don’t want to be here anymore. There’s nothing and no one left for me in this realm of existence. But tonight marks something unique and I assume from a medical standpoint, something rather unhealthy. I had no reason to stop, I still don’t. The only reason I haven’t committed suicide tonight is because there were people at the spot I wanted to use. As I made my way back I got to wondering, why was I fighting all this time? What makes me so special I deserve to live in a world where children and genuinely nice people are murdered.

 That’s when it hit me, I’ve never had a reason to fight. For a lot of you it’s easy, friends, family, a relationship or even just fear of death. I don’t possess that, in fact I’ve waited my entire existence for death like an old friend waiting for him to remove me from this torture. But this is the problem see, it would be very easy to just get on with it and kill myself if it weren’t for others, my ex, my family, my friends, even colleagues I barely know from an old job all say the same thing. I’m not alone, I can fight this. But the question remains, why? At what point does a fight become a beating? At what point do people be able to genuinely understand how I feel? At what point does life become cost efficient? I don’t think it does, and I’m going to try explain in my own words why life doesn’t work for me. You are all free to make your own opinions and whatever to go along and fit into your reality. My reality is simple, life is a prison we aren’t allowed to escape from. 

 I want you to imagine a sink, we will use that as a metaphor for human emotion. Now if you put the plug in and turn the tap on it will fill up, hence you’ll have a better grip of your emotions. However like sinks we are able to block this filling by hitting a release, normally physically exertion or some kind of calming activity for most people but whatever floats your boat. In this analogy it’s a plug. If you don’t pull the plug in time your sink over flows, emotion spills everywhere and it’s hard to control without access to the tap or plug. And a lot of people experience life like that, they control their emotions thinking they’re on top of it until maybe unfortunately one day there’s too much your overflowing and drowning in a river of your own creation. Which is life, shit happens it’s too much momentarily but overall it’s fixable. Then we have people like me, and if there is someone with the same mindset as me I just want to tell you I’m sorry man this shit sucks. But anyway I’m different to most people in the fact my sink doesn’t have a plug, my emotions are a temporary respite from an eternity of nothingness. In terms of our analogy I’ll say it like this. The more you turn the tap the higher the water pressure and faster the sink fills, but without a plug this sink will never stay full. It will never be able to reach its capacity. Yeah the sides might get wet a little and if the waters pressurised enough you might get a small layer on the bottom but that is all. Even on my most emotionally distressed day or my best day I’m only really emotional for about half an hour in the entire day, and to be honest most of the time that’s because I’ve not realised I’ve faked it before this point. And it’s like at my centre there’s this void, always asking for more life to leech out of me. I’ve exhausted every possible Avenue for myself, everything from professional help to smashing shit to sex. Believe me I really have tried, but even now I struggle to place emotions in order, I can barely tell the difference between them anymore. I personally believe the only difference between fear and love is your fight flight or stay mechanism, both elevate heart rates, both lead to single focus and a change in attitude toward your usual surrounding and friends, both can change your life in an instant. The only true difference is what you convince yourself this emotion is because at their core most send out different strength of the same waves to grab your mind and body’s attention so in reality does it matter which is which? Will it change your life if you convince yourself you’re in love? Will it make you a better person if you admit fear?

At the end of it all, the world has taught me but one true and pure lesson. Everything in life has a value, you can buy literally anything in life. Except a reason to fight. And I’m all out, my friends will go on without me. They all have support groups if they need them and that’s ok. My family has enough headaches and doesn’t need anymore, me dying would initially emotionally cripple them I’m sure, but emotions are like humanity. Short lived and interchangeable, there is a lot of emotion for other people brought about by this decision I’m aware, but what if, in the long run, it was worth it. My only true reason I have fought this long is my ex, a woman so beautiful and pure inside and out it would be impossible to not love her. And there was a time she loved me likewise which is great but I realise more and more with every waking second, she was a crutch. Less of a reason to live and more of a reason not to die, don’t get me wrong. She made me wanna live, but as always the void inside me consumed these desires and emotions and swapped them for something nice and easy to get into the way and destroy us. 

So yeah, I ain’t got fuck all to fight for, so why am I clinging on? What use are these blogs to anyone but myself? A way to vent I disguised as mental health awareness. There is no point to life as there is no point to death. In the end all we really need to know is this – energy can not be created nor destroyed only transferred. So basically what I’m saying is, we all go back to the infinite cosmos eventually what is the need to prolong it? All we’re doing is clutching onto yet another insignificant life, no one is irreplaceable nobody is special and most importantly nobody can fight your fights for you. So as glad as I am you all have reasons I ask you this, please don’t get involved in my life. I don’t want texts of concern or reassurance or even support. I want to be left alone so I can fulfill my purpose.

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