I’ll be honest people I don’t know where I’m at, mentally I’m both improving and stagnant. I’ve gotten better with a few things. And worse with just as many. It’s been quite a baffling time for me as a person and I don’t see me coming out of this stronger, possibly not even at all for a very long while.
Let’s just get the negative out of the way, the only one I feel is relevant to this is my weight. I currently weigh 130lbs as a 5’9” biological male, I can clearly see my ribs without any stretch or attempt to amplify them. It’s awful to be honest I feel like a freak, how am I supposed to love myself when I look like this, and that’s the problem. This attitude makes me depressed, I’m not eating for days at a time for no reason other than I don’t notice I’m hungry. I just go about my business I write I create I clean I shower and at no point do i think, I should eat. It doesn’t help that I’m rather unmotivated with food at the moment as well, not being interested in eating has gotten me to a point where the only thing I do eat on a day where I’m lucky enough to feel the pain in my abdomen is god damn instant noodles. Honestly I feel like it’s one step forward two steps back sometimes, I lost the weight I wanted to lose but my relationship with food is worse than ever before and I can’t eat anymore. It physically repulses me, food and my body in a vicious cycle which I can’t see myself getting out of.
And honestly, that’s the main one when it comes to negative. I won’t lie there’s a few more things weighing on me but nothing that I’m ready to share with you lovely people. So let’s move right on to the positive, I’ve quit. Like, everything I needed to quit I’ve quit, I haven’t smoked cannabis in 2 weeks, I haven’t drank in a week even though as it happens I’m currently about a foot away from some cherry sourz. I even quit bloody smoking cigs, something I’ve been attempting to do for almost a year I’ve managed now and the relief is honestly heavy on the heart. I’m not used to being so proud of myself, it’s been a long time since since i had such clear lungs and a genuine smile on my face when I think about smoking. Not because I miss it but because I don’t, I feel healthier already and I can’t wait for the improvements to keep coming. Maybe I’ll even be able to go on proper runs without nearing blackout soon, maybe. And that’s not even the best of it, I’ve been really good with my showering recently, not quite hit my goal for 7 In 7 but I went 4 for seven last week and I’m 4 for 5 so far this week which is major improvements. I know this blog is coming off as very self gratuitous and I appear to be blowing smoke up my own arse but you don’t understand how proud of myself I am. These are things that have mentally drained me for the longest time, my reliance on drugs and alcohol to block the emotions becoming a hinderance and curse instantly and I finally see that. I won’t lie the emotions and reality of the person I’ve become have been hitting me hard, now I have time to genuinely reflect on things I can see better than ever the pain I’ve caused myself and everyone who matters to me.
And to you all I’m deeply sorry, my thoughts and prayers are always with you all because everyone reading this needs to remember something. You are unique and special and bloody perfect in your own way and comparing yourself to literally anyone else is pointless! You have a different life to everyone, see the world through different eyes and hear sounds in a way no one else could ever understand.
So love yourself as much as possible because I promise, we all have things we hate about ourselves, bodies minds voices anything. But there’s a lot more to love and you need to remind yourself slowly, carefully don’t overwhelm yourselves and take it one step at a time one day at a time.
All love people take care.