Now for some of you reading that title you’ll be unmoved and unaware how major this is for me, which is ok. But maybe you’re reading the title and resonating with it, and if you are well done! Two weeks is an accomplishment just like one day or 3 years, we all start somewhere and you’re taking that step.
But let me try explain a little for those who don’t quite get the levels of pride I’m exhibiting right now. My suicidal thoughts had began reading their head to the point of control over my life on Christmas Day 2020, a day where I woke up and couldn’t stop myself self harming just to feel something. I know I know, not the happiest story but it’s where this chapter of my life began. Anyway since then my thoughts have always been self harm or suicide related I won’t lie, now my mind is starting to mend I’m noticing how bad I actually got. There’s an entire engagement to a wonderful woman in the bin because I spent 6 months sabotaging it and hurting us both in the hopes she’d leave, shocker she did and I don’t blame her just hope whatever the future brings her is the same as she deserves. The best. Other than that notable dates of suicidal tendencies were a little cliche, trauma days, my birthday, you know the ones.
And you might be wondering why I’m just rambling on about my bad spells, simple. I want to highlight just how far I’ve come, for two entire weeks I’ve been ok with being alive. Now don’t get me wrong I’ve had depressive thoughts and been tempted to self harm on occasion but death doesn’t feel like my reality right now. And the last time I was this consistent was before that entire Christmas debacle so forgive my arrogance but I’ve smashed it.
One thing I do want to mention actually is my lack of reality as of right now. I’ve never slept a lot I won’t lie most of my life I’ve gotten by on a couple hours of sleep a night most which is ok for me it works. But lately somethings been happening, almost dreaming without actually sleeping and I feel like my grip on reality is fading. It first happened last week, I was on the phone and all of a sudden I wasn’t. I was living another life in another scenario and it was all definitely real. I can still remember the touches and smells and voices in my ear, I’m a billion percent I went through this as a person and yet it’s not a memory but was rather a mew experience. I eventually snapped out of it and returned to being myself and I couldn’t think of why this happened until last night. A similar thing was happening every time I heard a snap of fingers I switched between realities I went from being me in my house to living this other life as someone who look sounded and acted similar to myself but just wasn’t me at the same time. I entered. Reality where mental health was forced and anyone displaying low happiness levels would be executed on the spot to make an example, after every execution there was a click of fingers and I returned to my body. As you can imagine I was a little shocked and didn’t realise what was triggering this until just now but everytime I looked at the memories of this maybe reality I remembered a click and it would send me right back. Not to the same spot either it would be a corresponding set of time to when I left and the life would be continuing as if it never stopped. Weird. But I’m doing ok other than that. I’ve even finally got a doctors and an appointment here in Manchester, as of Friday I will hopefully be on the road to recovery. And for a change I’m not scared, see I was never scared of being diagnosed I’m perfectly aware of that possibility for a number of things. It’s the idea of being given a clean bill of mental health that terrifies me, have I truly alienated everyone and everything that matters for no discernible reason? I don’t know but I’m gonna find out either way and move forward as a person no matter how hard it gets for me. Anyway I’m gonna leave you all to your days now , as always take it easy take it slow take it one day at a time.