I’ve been (attempting) to write this serious for about a month now, I’ve talked through my initial suicide attempt that prompted to my sexual assault and everything I’m between. But now my life is once again changing and it looks to be for the better, but the pressure is killing me inside.
I joined my new job (at the time of writing) literally a week and three days ago, so little time in fact that the rate of progression is maddening. Now I work in hospitality, I have done since I was 17 and I’m 23 now so the business is nothing new to me. I’ve known how to do almost all aspects of the job since before I dropped out of university and well, that was long enough ago for me to go back and complete an entire degree if I were so inclined. But still, the rate at which I’m expected to be going into the job and doing a good job is either only assumed by me or mind boggling.
In a week of working in a complete new set up I’ve managed to learn an entire new life for myself, my hours are very different to previously, the way I work completely alien to me as well. So forgive me here but I’m very proud of how well I’m doing, initially this job gave me quite a blow to my self esteem. I went for a position at the top of the restaurant, I wanted to be the manager. I spoke to the head of operations who was handling the recruitment and was told I wasn’t experienced enough but they had a lower position available. A very back handed blessing for me I took it without regarding my own mental health, I was desperate at the time I won’t lie.
What a decision that turned out to be though, I’m terms of the job I love it. I love interacting with customers and being a force of positivity while I’m working, and believe me I am. And now I’m doing well and thriving in my environment picking things up with ease and that’s what’s scaring me, what if I’m moving too fast. There’s already talk of me getting the job I originally applied for due to performance, so why am I feeling like I’m getting lost in a smoke of lies. My previous jobs have always fucked me up man, you have no idea how many times I’ve committed myself to a place based on the promise of progression because, and I’ll be honest, I’m fucking good at what I do. But these promises never materialise and I always stagnated which was a big part of my mental health declining, I put 200% into work every day for so long leaving nothing for myself that my depression spoke for itself and well you know. The break up, suicide attempts, a lot of it can be traced to a negative environment for me. So I’m nervous but as per my mind doesn’t let me be anything urged than cautiously optimistic.
Other than that some things have changed, at the minute I weigh roughly 130lbs (just about 10st) which is small for my size I know. But nearly on a constant basis I’m feeling fat and disgusting, outside of work I wear nothing but baggy clothes to hide my body. I refuse to eat more than once a day in fear of gaining my weight back, exercising with no calories inside me to burn only myself away. I won’t lie this week I’ve passed out three times exercising in my house, there’s a hunger and pain inside me caused by both the want to eat and the refusal to eat and I’m wresting with emotions long since forgotten.
I hadn’t had food problems for a couple of weeks before this, I’m fact I’d actually started feeling myself and my body for a little while which was exhilarating to say the least. I think it’s more of a projection of things for me right now, I can’t find much in my life that’s going wrong so my mind makes it up for me always has. This makes it extremely difficult to continue in my mission to become straight edge, 2 weeks since I last indulged in narcotics and Sunday (for the footy, it’s coming Rome if you haven’t heard boys) was the only time I’ve drank in a few weeks. It’s mad how much progress I’m allowing myself to make but what’s madder is the fact I’m still struggling to accept how well I’m doing. Constantly afraid of things unspoken happening, little messages I hadn’t noticed previously shining through.
God damn I don’t even know what I’m writing about anymore so I’m gonna leave you to it. This blog is hopefully going to be more consistent. I’m hoping to post bi-weekly on Tuesday and Saturday. I know it’s Friday as I write this but I needed to write and this seemed like a good outlet. But yeah I’m doing my best, have a couple of tattoos planned for the near future, different aspects of my life to come to life on my skin. A blue butterfly like life is strange is famed for to signify that all decisions have consequences, an infinity symbol (cliche I know but I also plan on a rose on the back of my hand so who cares) to remind me that the universe never stops and forever moves despite my struggles so I may as well enjoy it. And lastly I plan on getting a couple of words on the outside of my thumb, no real meaning behind it other than I gave my word about something so gotta do what I gotta do. So I can’t complain anymore than I have, I just gotta keep moving and hopefully life will keep me going and reality could be something I rejoin entirely. So all love always to you all, and remember take it easy take it slow take it one day at a time.
Follow my shamelessly plugged insta, plan on making it a mental health haven For all to see halfway_to_reality. I got purple hair so don’t fuck it up.