Where Do I Go From Here

In the last 3 days I’ve attempted suicide 4 times. You might be assuming I failed, obviously. I can’t even kill myself right so what hope actually is there for me? I could see this as a sign of destiny, things to come I need to be here for. But I can’t be arsed pretending that I’m meant for any other purpose anymore. The death of me is something I’ve always been at peace with. It’s inevitable, I mean I thought it was.

But here I stand, living proof that things can always get worse. There’s a few things in life I can’t get over, the loss of my uncle a few years back, the miscarriage of a child, the breaking up of me and the love of my life. And yet none hurt as much as this, an inability to actually take my own life. It’s kinda tragic when you think about it, I can’t even command my own destiny.

But I guess we try move forward but the question is why? Where? At what point do these feelings disappear, when do I become human? There’s a lot of support out there for people like me, those who have no will or hope left for themselves. But it doesn’t work, ever. Talking doesn’t find the root of the issue when I’m already telling people the root of the issue. It’s me, I’m the problem. I always have been and I always will be, I push and hurt everyone around me so I don’t have to deal with their emotions. I destroy every significant relationship I can to try avoid anyone seeing me as I am. I’m broken, inside and out. And I’m done pretending.I’ve thrown away every chance I’ve ever been given. No more, from now on I will be taking my chances methodically. No more rushing into something new thinking it will help me.

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